


Programmed for Love

by Ellsey



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rivals, For Entertainment Purposes Only, Multi, Slow Burn, crackship, please laugh, seriously it's a joke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:00:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25658614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellsey/pseuds/Ellsey
Summary: Optimus Prime and LMD Phil Coulson are rivals when it comes to saving the world, but could virtual robot sparks be flying?
Relationships: Phil Coulson/Optimus Prime
Comments: 11
Kudos: 8
Collections: AOS AU August 2020





	Programmed for Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. There's a story behind this. It's a joke. I'm just repeating that lest someone take this seriously. All the robot emotions are real though.

Optimus Prime stared out at the cold, stark landscape with his mechanical eyes. Robot aliens. Why did it always have to be robot aliens? If he had a penny for every robot alien he had seen he could...not retire because pennies are worthless. Also he's a transforming robot truck so he didn't even know if he could retire.

“Robot aliens?” said a voice behind him. Optimus Prime turned to see Philip J. Coulson, lately of Shield, but now running ops on his own. Probably because he was a robot now too. Or something like it. 

Phil still had the sound of a human voice, which grated against Optimus Prime’s mechanical sound sensors. 

“You know, you’d be much better off adjusting your voice to be more robotic and grating,” Optimus Prime told him. “It would give you more gravitas.”

“I didn’t even know you knew a word like gravitas,” Phil said with a stupid human sounding laugh.

“I HAVE AN ENTIRE ENGLISH DICTIONARY UPLOADED INTO MY SYSTEM,” Optimus Prime roared in the way only a transforming robot truck could.

“Of course you do,” Phil said, trying to soothe Optimus Prime (which made no sense to Optimus Prime because you cannot soothe a robot. Or a truck. And he was both.).

Optimus Prime shook his head to try and change the topic, but since he’s a robot truck he couldn’t really shake his head. So he just sort of swiveled his grill back and forth. It wasn’t as expressive, but it got the job done.

“Anyway, back to the robot aliens,” Phil said, clearly reading Optimus Prime’s mind. Wait, did Phil have some sort of processor scanner? Optimus Prime would have to look into that.

“This is the third time this month that they’ve attacked,” Phil continued.

“I am aware of this, Philip J. Coulson,” Optimus Prime retorted. “MY MEMORY HAS NO CORRUPTION AND IS THEREFORE PERFECT.”

“That’s not the only thing about you that’s perfect about you,” said Phil, with one of those silly human glints in his silly human eyes.

Optimus Prime took what felt like eons to process this, but it was actually a really small number because his processor is top of the line of course. “I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish here, Philip J. Coulson, but I do know that I loathe you and everything you stand for. I am trying to keep this planet safe from aliens, robots, and any combination of those two. You, however, are always getting in my way.”

Phil held out a soothing hand, which was once again ridiculous because, robot. “I’m not trying to be your enemy, Optimus,” Phil said. “I think we have similar goals. But I agree that our methods are very different. You like to rush in and take charge while I prefer to try and make peace. We want the same thing though. A safe Earth.”

Optimus Prime couldn’t decide which was more insulting- that Philip J. Coulson thought they had similar goals or that Philip J. Coulson had called him just “Optimus.” 

“Why don’t you just go home to your puny human task force and leave this to my transforming team of Transformers. We will have these robot aliens taken care of in no time.”

Phil put his sunglasses on in a very human way that enraged Optimus Prime. “Fine,” Phil said, “I’ll leave this time. But we’ll beat you to the next robot or alien or robot alien invasion”

“You will not,” Optimus Prime said. “Our sensors are much faster than yours!”

“How about a little wager?” Phil said with an evil human-like smile. “If my team beats you to the next place, you’ll go to coffee with me.”

“I DO NOT DRINK COFFEE PHILIP J. COULSON! I AM A ROBOT TRUCK!” Optimus Prime roared. “I do like a good iced oil frappe though.”

“Fine, fine,” Phil replied. “I’ll get you an iced oil frappe. If you beat us though, you must go to a movie with me.”

“It will have to be a drive-in movie Philip J. Coulson! I am too big for a normal human movie theater.”

  
  


“That’s fine,” Phil said. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around.” With that, he slowly walked away in a way that would make any robot proud. Robots like to make dramatic entrances and exits. It’s just the way they are.

Exactly one week later, Optimus Prime got the signal to go to another invasion. This time it was just plain aliens, which was less exciting than alien robots, but still more exciting than something like giant insects. Even robot trucks did not appreciate giant insects. 

When he got to the site however, he was dismayed to discover that Phil Coulson was already there. He would have sighed if he were human, but he’s not so he just sort of vented some air. It was to relieve pressure, not to express any kind of emotion. He didn’t have any.

Optimus Prime watched as Phil Coulson’s team took care of the aliens. If Optimus Prime were prone to human-like musings, he probably would have observed that he liked the team. Quake was out there shaking things as if she were a piece of large machinery. Yo-yo was named after a toy and could go really fast, so she clearly was not human. Mack was surely a truck in human disguise. Optimus Prime could respect that. May had no sorry human emotions, which was also admirable. Phil Coulson also had a pair of scientists with him. One was a biologist, so she was a sad sack of humanity, but the male was an engineer and everyone knew engineers were mostly robot anyway. A fine team indeed.

“My team looks amazing, don’t they?” Phil said.

Optimus Prime stared out at the plain that was now devoid of aliens. “They will do in a pinch. I guess.”

“My team is the best. Also, we beat you here. So I think you know what that means,” Phil said with another sorry human-like smile. 

“I guess I must uphold my end of the bargain. I am an honest robot truck. Also I have been programmed so that I couldn’t turn you down now even if I wanted to. Which I don’t because I have also been programmed to not be able to do that.”

Phil looked like he was having a hard time following Optimus Prime’s logic, which made sense because Optimus Prime was obviously the superior machine. 

“Well, why don’t you meet me at the Spare Parts Cafe tomorrow at 10. We can have that iced oil frappe and have a chat,” Phil said.

“Fine,” Optimus Prime replied. “I have now put it into my personal calendar. I will be there promptly ready to partake of beverages.”

“Great, see you then.” Phil was smiling at Optimus Prime, which made him feel an odd combination of 1s and 0s. This was most unusual. Perhaps he needed his firmware updated. He would have to check on that.

The next day, Optimus Prime was pleased to see that he had beaten Phil Coulson to the cafe. That was a relief. Or something that felt like the human emotion of relief. He decided to take a seat at the only table that was sized for a giant robot truck such as himself. Even robot friendly cafes were still not as accessible as they should be.

Phil Coulson appeared out of nowhere, in that annoying way that small things sometimes did.

“Hey there, Optimus Prime. I’ll go order our drinks and meet you back out here.” Phil then went into the cafe.

Optimus Prime felt some strange electrical pulses go through his body. Humans might call it anxiety, but he wasn’t human so it was probably an actual electrical issue he needed to get checked out. 

Unfortunately things got complicated when he saw his archenemy, Megatron. Optimus Prime wished he could turn himself into one of those little minibots, but unfortunately he was a stately piece of large machinery and this was impossible.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Optimus Prime. You’re looking very shiny today. Get a detail job lately?” Megtron asked him.

Of course, Phil Coulson picked that exact moment to come out with their drinks. He sat down next to Optimus Prime. 

“Who’s this?” Phil asked in the nosiest human way possible.

“Philip J. Coulson, this is my archnemesis Megatron,” Optimus Prime said, waving a robotic truck hand at Megatron. “Mega, this is Philip J. Coulson.”

Megatron gave an evil robot laugh. “Is this a date Optimus Prime? ARE YOU ON A DATE WITH A HUMAN??”

Optimus Primed raised himself to his full height. “I SHOULD DESTROY YOU FOR EVEN SUGGESTING SUCH A THING,” he raged. “PHILIP J. COULSON IS A ROBOT HUMAN.”

“I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY,” yelled Megatron.

“Whoa there boys, maybe we should calm down,” Phil said, hold a hand out to each robot. “Megatron, we’re just trying to have a nice drink here.”

“Let me guess,” Megatron growled. “He has you buying him iced oil frappes and promising he’ll stay with you forever. Well, that is a lie Philip J. Coulson. He will not.”

Phil looked between the robots. “What is he talking about Optimus. I thought he was just your archenemy.”

“Of course he’s my archenemy, Philip J. Coulson,” said Optimus Prime. “He’s my robot ex-boyfriend!”

Phil Coulson looked angry or concerned, Optimus Prime wasn’t sure which. Some human emotions look a lot alike. 

“You know what, maybe I should leave you two to work this out,” Phil said. “I thought asking you out would be uncomplicated and nice Optimus, but I’m not sure you’re over your ex.”

“Of course I’m over my ex, Philip J. Coulson. I broke up with him ages ago! Also, he’s kind of evil. I don’t know if you noticed.”

“I noticed,” Phil replied. “Why don’t you take some time to think, and then call me if you’re interested.” With that Phil walked away. 

Optimus Prime sat there with a strange feeling. Maybe he needed to recharge somewhere? At any rate, Megatron was laughing maniacally, and Optimus Prime wondered if he had just let something good walk out of his life. Or he would have if he was more human. Mostly he just wanted to roll away. So he did.

**Author's Note:**

> What will happen next?? Will Optimus Prime try to contact Phil Coulson? Will Phil take him back? I'm honestly not sure, I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. Am open to suggestions.


End file.
